Guess what? They will get back to me "later".
I have do questions, in fact. When is "later"? Tomorrow "later"? Next year "later"? Fuck you "later"? Oh, and uh... are you related to Richard? That would make sense. Jump up and down all day shouting gibberish, getting people all hot and sweaty and in the end nothing has changed.
There is no accountability with these numb-nuts. I know I'm only going to wait so long before I say "enough" and start making them want to throw money at me just to get me to SHUT. THE FUCK. UP! and go away.
(deleted a comment that would make the fascists come to my door and arrest me).
That is all for now.
So... I will receive a letter when you make a decision? Where's it? I'm getting bills telling me I "owe" you large, scary sums of money and yet I have not been informed of any decision.
That's incompetent. You're fired.
I'll let you know when my doctor has told me my condition has improved. In fact, you'll probably read about it in the news. MAN CURED OF LIFE-LONG DEAFNESS. IT'S A MIRACLE, SAYS MAN. JESUS IS COMING. RAPTURE IS NEAR. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR GOD.
Oh, I plan on leaving the US. Just not right now. When I do, I won't be needin' ya any more, so you can get stuffed.
I'll also let you know THE SECOND I go and hold up a bank, kill an innocent passer-by, or rape some kids, 'kay? We can't have you out of the loop on these things.
Yeah, I have some more questions, Carol-baby. Do you walk around on the street yanking candy out of infants' hands? Do you feel like you're totally above the law and can just yank people's chains until the cows get fed up and run away from home? Are you old? Are you married? Do you feel like the rug of reality is about to be pulled out from under your aged feet? If so, then call 1-800-YOR-FUKD. That's one! Eight-hundred! You're fucked!
Have a nice day.
Dude, I totally forgot! I'm so sorry. Here, lemme just pull a check outta my ass.
(loud, obnoxious fart)
Sorry, I'm outta checks. I'll let you know when I have a box of checks from the printers, checks that have enough room to write out imaginary six-figure amounts.
In the meantime, I'd like to request smaller amounts over a longer period of time. How about a dollar a year for 125,575 years? Because you fuckwads cut me off without reasonable notice - fuck, without good reason at all - that's about all I can afford. Maybe. Fifty cents a year for twice as long? Might be more doable.
I haven't mailed a payment within the past week. Gonna disregard this statement anyway. Cheers!
I do have questions. Did your brains fall out? When didja get that lobotomy? What mad scientist cut out your heart in a way that let's you walk around, mimicking life in some nightmarish way? Can you sleep at night? Can you look at yourself while shaving? Do your friends and family respect you? Do you have any friends? Hasn't your family disowned you by now? Why hasn't a Klingon called you dishonorable and killed you in battle?
They're just going to keep hearing from me. Over. And over. And over. That's what they are there for, and God dammit, they are going to do their fucking jobs.
Mr. Raymond Loercher, of email addresses email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org, who is listed on LinkedIn as the owner of this business (http://www.linkedin.com/pub/5/219/B26
That's right. Lemme just pull all my receipts, pay stubs, canceled checks, utility bills, insurance bills, and tax returns outta my ass. It's no problem. I just had to rob a few banks and hold up a few 7-11s to get the cash to pay for all of these things, as I have had no money since you cut me off. I'm sure there are a few security videos of me in action to prove my "sources" of "income".
By the way, my expenses greatly exceed my income.
Income: $0,000,000.00 (Hey, I've always wanted to have a 6-figure income. This is as close to it as I can get).
I do have a question: How can you cut off a disabled man with no job, leaving him penniless and if it weren't for his girlfriend, homeless?
Does anyone have any connections or know of a way to send a large
number of boxes (80 or so) to troops in Iraq without having to pay
postage for each individual box?
Our synagogue did a service project to collect food, toiletries etc.
Everything was boxed up this morning. I know that the plan is to send
each box individually, but I thought I'd post the situation and see if
anyone has any connections that would make this project a bit more
Wait a minute... why should anyone need to send anything to troops? Is the US military skimping so badly that soldiers in combat or active duty are not provided with simple basic comforts? Are US citizens being asked to risk their lives while being asked to live in squalor?
Fuck you, Uncle Sam. Reach into your God-damned pockets and give our men and woman some of that God-damned change that's weighing you down. You're not gonna miss it.
In the version of the letter I actually sent, I omitted certain passages that were more accusatory and that promised to see this letter and related SSA documents posted as far and wide as possible. Here you will see the letter as I originally conceived it. It's not a huge difference, but I wanted to appear to the SSA meeker than I actually am, and to reserve as many surprises up my sleeve as possible. I have been so fucked over by this system that I will not be too intimidated or squeamish of consequences to state that I will fuck them up as much as I can in return. I will of course not do anything I consider unethical or immoral, but man, I sure am going to do all I can to embarrass the shit out of them, and should this ever go to court, I'm going to do all I can to rob them blind (and yes, give it to the poor, I shit you not).
By the way, you will notice throughout this journal that I have removed as much identifying information as possible. If you're curious because something is "missing" or looks funny because of missing information, please do not ask for it. This is for my own safety. Only people actively working on my behalf may see such information, and even the press will only get my name.
To all whom it concerns at the Social Security Administration (hereafter referred to as “the administration” or “this administration”, “the SSA” or “you”):
I am requesting a waiver of the amount I owe for two reasons:
I am not responsible for owing this amount, and
Paying back this amount would cause me to be unable to provide myself with food and shelter.
I will now expound upon these points, in the (dim) hope that you will listen. This is not the first time I have attempted to explain my situation, and I am therefore sending copies of this letter to my representatives in Congress, especially those who have already attempted to help me and have run into obstacles thrown up by the administration, and the press, along with copies of the paperwork from you to which I am responding, and supporting documents printed or referenced from the internet. If this administration is turning a deaf ear to its deaf customers, perhaps others will hear.
In fact, I get the feeling that you do not even listen to Congress. I asked Representative (name's office for help, and I get the impression from (name) of (name)'s office that you wouldn't listen to her, either. She did, however, get the administration to send me forms for a waiver request and a request for reinstatement.
In addition to the press, copies of this document and attached documents are going to Representative (name)'s office and Senator (name)'s office, for the record, as I have previously requested assistance from both these offices. The behavior of this administration, along with the fact that I hear from other people with disabilities that you are going after them under questionable pretenses, has made me feel like I now need to protect myself from abuse and wrongful persecution by the administration. And by “the press”, I mean actual purveyors of journalism, not the mainstream media that actually serves you and not the people.
Point 1: I am not responsible for owing this amount
As much as I dislike the word “victim”, I am in fact a victim of domestic abuse, and some pretty bad stuff at that.
I got married in the summer of 1999. I of course did not think I was marrying an abusive person. No victim of domestic abuse ever knowingly enters into an abusive relationship. Abusers are either smart enough to hide their true selves well in the beginning, or know how to do this instinctively. The abuse actually started not long after I got married, and the abuse did nothing but increase over time. Like most victims of domestic abuse, I was in complete denial and was unable to even process that I was being abused. I would have laughed in your face if you'd told me I was being abused. Such denial, I have learned, is normal for most victims of domestic abuse.
This abuse included the following:
Yelling, screaming and other forms of verbal abuse, including name-calling, derogatory and dehumanizing insults and bad language. I was called all kinds of the usual “bad names”, as well as things like “worthless” and “a waste of a human being”. I have now come to understand that she was most likely projecting her feelings about herself onto me, which I have learned many abusers do. If she truly thought those things about me, she was alone, lost in her little abuser world. No one else who has ever known me for five minutes would say these things about me.
Hitting and slapping, with bare hands and objects. Objects varied according to what was within reach. I was slapped, hit with kitchen utensils, and threatened with kitchen and butter knives and other objects. I have had, for both our safety, to wrest knives out of her hand, upon which she would scream and cry that I had “hurt” her. I would have no sympathy, having just been threatened with a knife. But abusers always make everything about them, and thus it was always all about her. When I was injured by her and the injuries were visible, she would worry about what other people would think of her (gee, DUH! And I don't count?). She would often even apologize and look like she felt bad. In the beginning, I actually believed she felt bad and that she just had a “little bit of a temper”. But after the N-hundredth time, I would think to myself, “blah, blah, blah, whatever. You're just going to do it again”. And of course, sooner than later, she would.
Threat of destruction of property and household items. She would demand that I do X or Y or she would destroy item Z. She would sometimes demand that I destroy item Z myself, because she was upset about something (usually that something only existed in her own mind) or had accused me of doing something wrong (which I never did and was in fact not capable of actually doing, let alone thinking of doing) and I had to destroy item Z as “punishment”. For example, she once forced me to destroy a musical instrument I had just because she thought that I considered music more important than her, and that by destroying that instrument, I would make her feel better (in her mind, this action would symbolize that I cared more about her than about music). Being a manipulator, and me being a “nice guy”, she actually got me to do this. I need to emphasize here that like all victims of domestic abuse, my doing this was not of my own free will. She would also instant-message or text me that she was about to or had destroyed something – and then admit she was just messing with me. No healthy person in a good relationship would do this. No healthy, sane person in any type of relationship would do something like this.
Unreasonable demands on my time and threats of violence, stated or implied, if I did not accede to those demands. Much of this consisted of demands to leave my office by a certain time, even if it meant risking my job and our livelihood (such as when the boss wanted me and others to stay late to finish a particular task – an occurrence most office employees accept as common and just not a big deal in moderation). This was taken to an extreme on multiple occasions - she demanded that I quit my job on the spot so she could “have more time” with me. On my second-to-last office job, I was so out of my mind from her abusive behavior that when she demanded that I quit, I actually did. I'm in shock and disbelief of myself, that I would actually do that, but she had driven me pretty crazy by then. I was working for a very large and reputable company at the time, a company where my boss and managers wanted me to succeed. Of course, the next day I woke up and smelled the crap, but it was too late. I was fortunate to be able to find intermediate work and eventually another full-time position, and I had to do it “under the radar” because if I performed job search activity where she could observe me, nothing would happen due to her incessant neediness and desire to control every aspect of our lives – and always in bizarre, fruitless and self-destructive ways.
Demanding that I be responsible for every, and I mean EVERY aspect of her life. She would not do a single thing for herself. She demanded that I help her get her driver's license (which she did not have), help her improve her English skills (she's not from this country), and other unreasonable demands. I don't think I've yet made this point clear enough. She didn't just ask me for help when she needed it, which is fine, reasonable, and even expected. She made me entirely responsible for these things and would abuse me as outlined above and below if I failed to succeed. So on top of providing ALL of the household income and having to do ALL of the driving for EVERY need, as well as handle ALL interactions with the outside world, I basically had a grown-up child on my hands, one who would throw tantrums for any reason at any time. I did not know this about her when we got married. I thought I was marrying a capable, self-sufficient adult with ambitions and goals.
Harassing me at whim, often while I was at work. If I were not online (signed on to an instant messaging service) and I could not offer what she would consider a “valid” excuse for not being online, such as being in a meeting, there would be hell to pay both while I was at work and when I got home – and often being in a meeting would not satisfy her demand for a “valid” excuse. She had to know where I was and what I was doing twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. While I was at work, trying to actually do what the job was paying me to do, I would be grappling her with incessant, needy tirades. I could not even dare to simply sign off and work because that would ensure more yelling, screaming, breaking things, and beatings when I got home. She would even walk out of the house, without her keys, locking herself out – including in the middle of winter – and text me that she had locked herself out. This was for the purpose of guilting me into coming home on the spot, wherever I was, including at work, regardless of the consequences to our livelihood. She would also show up at my office, if I was working somewhere accessible by public transportation, and behave inappropriately by picking fights with me and not allowing me to work, which put my job (and our financial security) in jeopardy.
Depriving me of sleep on a daily basis over the entire length of our marriage. While this does not sound like much in writing, let me tell you, buddy, it is a great, big, stinking deal. By the time I left my marriage, I was walking around feeling mostly dead most of the time. I literally did not have a choice about whether or not I could get enough sleep. My wife wanted to wake me up at ridiculous hours, such as 5 or even 4 AM, just because she wanted me up with her in the morning before I went to work, so we could “spend more time together” because she was a morning person, and who cares if I'm not. Hell, she wanted to wake up at these hours on weekends too. That's fine for her, but it was wrong for her to impose her sleep habits, or lack thereof, on other people, especially her husband (abusers typically impose their views and their will on their partners). Now, I am not an early riser. She did not care about my mental or physical health and my need for proper rest. I dreamed little, which means you are not getting “restful” sleep, but rather just “dead” sleep where you're more unconscious than sleeping. I would do embarrassing-to-admit things like go take a bath just so I could get a few minutes of rest (not to get clean). I would take out cereal and milk and actually put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. I once started taking some dishes over to the clothes washing machine before I caught myself. If I did not get up when she wanted me to, there would be hell to pay, including all the forms of abuse I'm outlining here. I have gone to sleep to be awakened by her hitting me – sometimes with her hands, sometimes with other objects - if it was not “ok” with her that I was asleep. I've literally been punched in the face with objects while sleeping because I was “supposed” to be awake.
Threatening to call the police and falsely informing them that I'd “done something” to her. This is an ultimate form of domestic abuse control, especially abuse of a man by a woman. After all, we live in a society where a woman is more likely to be believed than a man when it comes to domestic abuse, despite the fact that domestic abuse goes both ways in equal amounts. She actually did call the police once to tell them that she thought I was going to do something, and I had to feel like an idiot when the police showed up responding to something that never happened and wasn't in any danger of happening. Believe me, if I could – if I knew how and if I hadn't heard her life is a shambles now, I'd report her for falsely informing authorities and abusing the 911 emergency system. The last I have heard, she is doing much worse than I am, so I guess what comes around goes around, you reap what you sow and all that.
Such abuse comes with consequences and the need to protect my sanity. I would sometimes need to get the hell away when things got out of hand. After all, nobody sane can be expected to be under constant stress like this. I would want to leave the house – and I really just wanted time alone - but she would not even grant me this. In order to actually get away, I usually had to get out of some type of wrestle-hold while trying not to hurt her. I just wanted to get out for a while and not have to deal with being beaten and yelled at. She was just that controlling and manipulative (and probably mentally ill, I have now come to understand). At other times, I have tried to lock myself in a room or even a closet just so I could be alone and away from my abuser, which she would not allow. She would inevitably do whatever it took to force her way into the room, including picking the lock and throwing herself against the door without regard to her safety and mindless of self-inflicted injuries. Even when she was at her worst and I tried to barricade the door with furniture, she would persist until she either got through the door or until I was able to get out of the house. On top of that, she would accuse me of “creating drama” when I was trying to get out, which was clearly more transference of self-feelings/self-hate onto me. Finally, after forcing her way into the room I wanted to be alone in, she would invariably accuse me of causing the injuries she had inflicted upon herself while forcing her way in.
I finally left, for good - although I didn't know it was for good at the time – the morning of the day after I started the last office job I ever had (the last office job I had, thanks to her). We were sitting down to breakfast and gee, whiz! Breakfast wasn't good enough for some reason that only made sense in her own head. She started yelling at me and picked up something to beat me with. All I was thinking was “oh, hell, no, you're not screwing up yet another job, not to mention my life”, and after a short struggle where she tried to prevent me from leaving, I left. I left without shoes, but there was no way I was going back for anything. That's when I lived out of a storage closet for two months, semi-homeless and lucky I could get into the apartment complex's pool room for showers. I just never went back.
Like all victims of domestic abuse, I never did anything to “earn” this abuse. I never responded to abuse with abuse. I did not reciprocate in anger. I did my best to be a good husband and tried to help my wife in any way I could. I actually spoiled her a great deal – that's just who I am - and as much as I'm embarrassed to say this, I was pretty much under her thumb. However, like all victims of domestic abuse eventually know, this does not absolve or excuse abusers in any way. Victims do not “enable” their abusers by “letting it happen” or “asking for it” or even “provoking” abuse in any way. Most victims are victims because they want to be good partners and do not want to believe that they are in an abusive relationship. Some victims, like me, think that if we are loving and caring enough, our partners will change. This, of course, is never true. Abusers almost invariably become increasingly worse and their lives usually continue on a downward, self-destructive spiral, dragging everyone haplessly caught in their wake along with them.
So between being yelled at, beaten, threatened, harassed, and deprived of sleep, all almost constantly in various combinations and degrees, dude, I was totally out of my frickin' mind. OF COURSE I could not think straight to save my life. OF COURSE I wanted to hold on to my (social security) disability even while working, because I just never knew when the hell she would just blow up again and come after me and cause me to lose my job. She did not only not care about me – she didn't care about herself either. She didn't care that if I didn't hang onto my job, we would be homeless – that she would be homeless and suffering right along with me. She in fact said point-blank that homelessness would be fine by her as long as she could spend more time with me. She is clearly someone who needs a lot of help. And I do hope she gets help – not really because I care about someone who beat the crap out of me – but because it would be validating to know that if she wanted to, she could look me in the eye with full understanding of her behavior and offer a sincere apology.
A tremendous financial mess was not the only consequence of her abuse. I made other unwise and downright crazy decisions such as not opening the mail. I stuffed it away out of her sight because everything that came in set her off on this or that tirade and other forms of haranguing me. This of course got me into a lot of trouble with people who were attempting to communicate with me, and because I'm deaf, they had no other choice but to write to me (because I had easy access to email and the internet, we didn't have a land-line phone. I never bothered with a TTY either, for the same reason). I certainly do not behave like this as the normal and healthy person I am on my own, or with another normal and healthy person such as the sweetheart I'm with now. Anyone who knows me knows I just do not behave that way and never would in my own right mind. Abusers usually cause their victims to behave in ways that approach the insanity of their own abusive behavior, as any professional in psychology studying the matter, as well as any formerly abused person, will tell you.
I am lucky to be out of that situation today. I did not even make a conscious, deliberate decision to leave. A part of me on a deeper level must have taken over, because the last time I walked out, I simply did not go back – without thinking or feeling, just pure instinctive “don't go back or you'll end up in some unimaginable hell”. I was willing to live out of a tiny storage closet I had rented from the apartment management – more or less homeless for two months - rather than return to what I knew might end up a literal “dead-end” path for me. I say “dead-end” because I was so mentally gone that I was beginning to entertain fantasies in which, while driving, I would suddenly swerve into the path of an oncoming truck or other large vehicle, at high speed, and end it all just so I could get some rest. Not even because I wanted to die, which I didn't and never did. I am not suicidal. I just wanted some rest, God damn it. A moment of peace which never came until I finally left.
Now that I am divorced and have had about 3 years away from my ex-wife and the abuse, people around me have corroborated my ex-wife's bizarre behavior. It's very validating to know “it's not just me”. My mother told me that she was never able to really talk to my ex-wife. My ex-wife talked at people and there was always a wall through which no one could break. My chiropractor, who is also a friend, admitted to me that he never liked her - and this dude really wants to like everyone. He gets upset when he thinks someone doesn't like him. So I know I'm not imagining things. My ex-wife lived in a world that was all about her and God help you if you didn't conform. That was her MO.
I am including references to several documents from the internet that discuss domestic abuse. I am not making this up. I had to take a long time to process all this and do my own homework to finally understand what had happened to me in order to move on with my life. I have also tried to contact social services for help, perhaps to get a statement from a psychologist that victims of domestic abuse are often not capable of making wise decisions, which is widely known by those who study abuse and who have been abused, but this system is also broken. They wouldn't do it because “they don't provide that type of service” or other silly reasons. I don't know what they are there for. No wonder a lot of victims don't come forward. There's nowhere to go!!! If you're lucky, maybe you have a good friend or a relative willing to step in. If you're very lucky. Most people are not.
Point 2: Paying back this amount would cause me to be unable to provide myself with food and shelter
Not only would having to pay this amount back make me unable to provide myself with food and shelter, I already have no money for food and shelter. Because the SSA abruptly stopped my disability, upon which I was 100% dependent for food and shelter, last May, with no warning delivered to me, despite any claims to the contrary about said notice, having no job or other source of income, I had no choice but to move in with my girlfriend, since I was then suddenly unable to pay rent on my apartment. I am now on food stamps and it is not enough – not in this absurdly inflated economy. I am applying for cash and rental assistance and these services are also broken and are taking an unreasonably long time to process.
Point of fact: There is no money for me to pay you back, never mind that paying you back would cause me undue hardship, let alone the fact that I have no money for food and shelter now.
Other things to consider
In May of 2007, my Social Security Disability Income was stopped with no notice to me. I am not interested in hearing you say that you have a letter on file or that a letter was sent. I did not receive a letter from you prior to my disability being stopped. After the fact, I received a letter that was dated two days before your proposed cut-off date. Two days. That left me no time to do anything other than move in with my girlfriend or become homeless, and as a deaf man – and one with bad vision – I most likely would have died. I would have died because of YOU, if I had had nowhere else to go. I truly believe this, and I am not attempting to be overly dramatic. People without disabilities die from complications arising from homelessness all the time. Now that this has happened to me, I really have to wonder how many deaths the administration is actually responsible for because of your irresponsible behavior.
In addition, the abused I suffered at the hands of my ex-wife affected the last office job I was able to find. I was actually employed by the (employer), and because my ex-wife made a complete financial mess of my life, the (employer) terminated my position after a year because my financial records looked “un-trustworthy” (their quote, not mine, and never mind the fact that my job had nothing to do with finances and that calls to ANY of my former employers and professional references would have revealed that I'm perfectly trustworthy on the job). So not only did she mess me up in the head, she messed up my ability to have a job through no fault of my own (For the purpose of this letter I'm not delving into the fact that the (employer) wrongfully terminated my job and that all my friends and relatives believe I should sue them. The (employer), like you, steamrolls over everyone and doesn't listen, and I'm just trying to move on with my life).
Despite the (employer)'s egregiously false claims, never at any point in time was I behaving “dishonestly” or “immorally”, nor did I ever at any point in time try to “beat the system” or defraud the government in any way. I'm sure that people who know me well will be happy to go on the record corroborating that. Heck, I was too busy trying to survive an abusive situation to even think such repulsive thoughts. So brother, do not try to lay that on me. Domestic abuse victims are sometimes driven to unwise and desperate measures, but all we want to do is escape abusive situations and move on with our lives.
Finally, I wish to point out that I technically still have an open and active request for reinstatement with the SSA, since I have never received a letter of denial. If you have closed that request for reinstatement, you have not informed me, and you may therefore have violated some rule or law somewhere. I have received letters stating that I “owe” the SSA for pretty much the entire six years I was married to an abusive person; however, I cannot reasonably (and most likely not legally) “owe” you anything unless my claim has been officially denied. In other words, you cannot demand that I “pay you back” unless you have officially denied my claim, and you have not done so. I am nevertheless, at the urging of Representative Van Hollen's office, enclosing a second request for reinstatement, of which copies will be distributed wherever this document is sent by me.
I am not only requesting that you waive the amount I owe, I am insisting upon it for the above reasons, as well as insisting upon reinstatement of my disability, which I lost through no fault of my own and am still eligible for because I am disabled. I need to remind you that by the time you are reading this, I will have distributed this letter to media outlets and posted it to as many online journals as I can find. I am publicizing my case. I need to eat. I need to put a roof over my head. I am disabled and unemployed and am unable to find work despite my best efforts, and it is your job to help people like me. Instead, you have come close to putting my life at risk and have made my life a financial living hell. I am also unable to get badly needed new glasses and hearing aid batteries because of you. Although my girlfriend was kind enough to put me on her employer's health plan, which she was allowed to do, she will be laid off by the end of April, and I am unable to get needed health services for vision, hearing, and ongoing severe and painful back problems. Even being on my girlfriend's health plan, we don't have enough money most of the time to even afford small co-payments. I certainly don't have any money at all to afford my own co-payments. I also do not have any money to afford clothing and shoes.
This has not been a sob story. No pity is requested or required. A little sympathy, maybe, and intelligent understanding and compassion certainly, but this is just to set the record straight, in terms of “owing” the SSA and why my life is a financial shambles today. I didn't do this. Before I met my ex-wife, I had disability income, and when I worked, I duly and dutifully reported it. I took care of my business. My friends and family know I take care of myself. The ONLY reason I'm in this mess is because someone I thought was supposed to be my partner made my life a living hell.
CC: Members of Congress in my jurisdiction, the alternative press of the world, readers of all blogs to which this letter is posted, and affected citizens of the United States
The following URLs discuss domestic abuse. Note that in my case, as in the case of all abused men, you should switch the gender references while reading, where appropriate.
There are many hundreds of documents, references and blogs online discussing domestic abuse, including abuse of men by women. These are only a few.